Writing, Reading, Reflection

After posting that my son wasn’t coming home, he changed his mind. He arrived late Friday night, and we spent Saturday together, eating lunch with my parents, shopping for his birthday gift, etc. This is a child who could have had anything for his birthday, and all he wanted from me was a pair of jeans, and I had to force him to get those. He’s such a good kid. We stopped by Eric’s so he could meet his kids–Eric’s son turned 15 yesterday.

It was lovely having Jake home–even for a little while. He went to his dad’s last night to celebrate his birthday, watch the MU game and then watch the Chiefs (lose, I’m sure) today. I’ll be taking him back to campus later this afternoon.

This is the first year I’ve not watched the video of his birth. I just realized that. I always watch the video of the day he was born. God, we loved him so much. His dad taped Jake’s first bath while I was being moved to my room. My dad was on the other side of the glass watching from the hall, smiling and tapping on the glass trying to get Jake’s attention. In the background you can hear Jake’s dad sniffling. I remember that day of his birth vividly. I was so afraid of being a mom. What if I wasn’t a good mother? What if I raised him wrong? The fear of it all. And, honestly, that fear has yet to lift!  I worry every day about being a good mom. Of course, I have come to the conclusion that I did do a good job with him, but there is always tomorrow. I could mess it up then, right?

After Jake left, I went to Eric’s. We had a great evening. First of all, he let me watch HGTV in bed. Yes, seems very small, but let me tell you this was huge for me. In addition, with a glass of wine in hand, we discussed the questions in the book Lies at the Altar. The simple fact that we spent over two hours talking about this book–with HGTV in the background–cemented the fact that this is serious!

Needless to say, yesterday proved to be a day of happiness. I went to sleep content with knowing that I have the greatest child in the world, I’m madly in love and I’m loved in return. Seems so simple doesn’t it? But how many times have I gone to sleep in the last 39 years without feeling this way? Too many to count, to many to dwell on.  All that matters is that last night all the little stars in the sky lined up for me, and it wasn’t just happiness that I felt. There was a real sense of peace and gratitude and, even, complete and utter fulfillment.